‘Cause we’re the three best friends that anyone could have. We’re the three best friends that anyone could have.
Theme: Films featuring a weapon of mass destruction.
Directed by Irvin S. Yeaworth
Starring Steve McQueen and Aneta Corsaut
1958, 82 min.
“Beware of the Blob!”
Synopsis: There’s not much to it. A meteor crashes to Earth carrying a horrible, man eating (not little cute dog eating, don’t worry) parasite affectionately nicknamed “The Blob.” Steve McQueen and other inappropriately cast “teenagers” have to convince the town that this monster exists and that it’s out to absorb everything it touches!
Aaron: I think Steve McQueen is pretty good looking.
Whitney: He’s such a man’s man. I don’t know any girls that think he’s especially good looking, but every boy I know loves him.
Aaron: You don’t think Steve McQueen is that good looking?
Aaron: What about when he does that thing with his eyebrows?
Aaron: What about with that haircut?
Whitney: It’s so square!
Aaron: I know! It’s awesome!
Scott: Is he supposed to be 40-years-old in this?
Aaron: No, he’s a teenager.
Sam: What year was this movie made?
Whitney: I don’t know. Back when they could say “spook.”
Sam: And “hang loose.”
Scott; This movie needs Scoobie Doo.
Aaron: I wish they played that song every time the blob was killing people.
Sam: They should make it a musical.
Aaron: And every time the blob finishes it says “Beware of the blog. Da doo da doo da doooodadoodoo.”
Aaron: The cops from the 50s thought everything was short circuits instead of monsters.
Sam: I know why you don’t find him attractive, Whitney!
Sam: He’s not bald and he doesn’t have glasses like Larry David.
Scott: He’s older than you’d think, but not old enough.
Sam: Now he and Larry David are probably the same age.
Scott: Steve McQueen is a little bit too Aryan for her taste.
Sam: You don’t like Germans? …racist.
Scott: I like his “stupid parents” attitude.
Whitney: Yeah, you really shouldn’t be living at home anymore, McQueen.
Scott: “They live with me!”
Aaron: The Vampire and the Robot is the movie they’re watching?
Aaron: Oh! they opened it up for a global warming sequel!
Whitney; Well, I know they remade it and they are remaking it again next year.
Aaron: Why are they doing a remake when they can just make a sequel! There are so many good global warming jokes. … Oh man, I love global warming jokes.
Directed by Peter MacDonald
Starring Sylvester Fucking Stallone and some Middle Eastern dudes
1988, 102 min.
“Well I hate to admit it, but the truth is we’re getting soft.”
Scott: They just killed hundreds of people!
Synopsis: Rambo hates money and technology. He likes monasteries and Afghanistan. He kills a bunch of people. A bunch of people try to kill him. In other words: Rambo fixes the Middle East.
Aaron: Do you want to watch this in Survival Mode?
Scott: Is that where you can click and find out about the people.
Aaron: Yeah! you can click and open up a portfolio on each person, like you’re in the military and you see their dossier!
Aaron: So the answer’s no? That makes me so sad, you guys.
Heather: Didn’t you try to make us do this last time?
Aaron: Yeah, and when I watched the first Rambo I tried to get them to watch it in Survivor Mode and they said no, too.
Sam: So The Blob killed 40-50 people?
Aaron: The body count’s going to be higher in Rambo III, I garantee it.
Whitney: I’m trying to convince Scott to let me name our son Todd.
Heather: That’s a terrible name!
Aaron: Why not name him John Rambo?
Whitney: I’m for that. How about Todd Rambo?
Scott: John Rambo’s nerdier, fatter brother.
Aaron: They should just remake this movie but instead of “Russian soldiers,” they can say “American soldiers.” And it can star the Russian Rambo…Ivan…what’s his name from Rocky III.
Whitney: Drago. Dolph Lundgren.
Sam: “Todd Rambo”?
Scott: “Have you met my brother John?”
Heather: “Or my brother Spencer?” I actually like the name Spencer, it’s just the dweebiest.
Scott: “My brother John’s such a dick!”
Aaron: Maybe they should make a Rambo IV about how Todd Rambo and John Rambo make amends after all these years. The military comes and asks them to do something, and they have to work together. Todd Rambo always had to compensate for his physique.
Scott: Because they did a Rambo IV and Stallone says that’s the last one, but the studio is going to do one without him. Perfect time for Todd.
Aaron: What do you guys like better, when Russians speak English with Russian accents, or when Sean Connery speaks Russian?
Heather: I like the inconsistency of his scar makeup. Like, right now it sticks out more.
Aaron: It’s because it’s hotter outside and it swells.
Heather: And they paid attention to that when they were doing makeup.
Aaron: Yeah, so it’s more attention to detail than you thought. More than you could even imagine… But the important thing is, that I like to break my pretzel in half and put one on each side of my mouth then bite down, so I have pretzel dust lining each side of my teeth.
(We all try and find it strangely satisfying)
Aaron: I’m going to try it with two.
Whitney: Can you fit it all the way back there?
Scott: I’m going to try to crush them vertically.
Aaron: Like the Rancor!
Whitney: How can you open your mouth that far!!??
Sam: All the Woods have big mouths.
Heather: I want to try!
Heather: Ow! We have small mouths.
Aaron: I think I’d have to break it in half first. But, I want to do it like the Rancor!
Whitney: What’s a Rancor??
(Aaron shakes his head in disappointment.)
Scott: It’s with Jabba the Hut…
Scott: If you’re writing it down I’ll spell it for you.
Sam: I bet I can fit half a Mountain Dew can in my mouth.
Aaron: I bet you can’t.
Aaron: I win.
Heather: That was a good third, though. So, way to go.
Aaron: A third doesn’t hold up in a court of law.
Sam: He’s just doing this to impress the girl.
Witney: That’s why he does everything.
Heather: That’s not why he’s doing it. It’s just an added benefit.
Aaron: He needs to not wear his pants so high.
Heather: I like how he matches his denims!
Aaron: He gets some things from Todd. How to match his denims and wearing his pants too high.
Scott: And belly shirts. Todd’s known for his belly shirts.
Sam: Long curly hair.
Scott: And headbands. Todd’s big on headbands.
Aaron: Some things run in the family. Some things you can’t get away from. Oh man, I love this Todd Rambo stuff.
Aaron: Man, I love seeing Rambo on a horse. I really do.
Scott: Oh yeah. This movie didn’t get that seal of approval from…who are the people who protect animals? Not PETA…
Whitney: It didn’t?? No! What did they kill.
Whitney: How?? That’s horrible.
Aaron; Maybe there’s someone just dumping boxes of horses. Off cliffs and stuff.
(Rambo says something about his friendships not lasting long.)
Scott: Which is the opposite of Todd Rambo who makes friends and they last forever.
Heather: They actually try to get rid of him.
Aaron: Yeah, he thinks he made friends, but they actually don’t really want him around.
Scott: “Hey, friends!”
Heather: “What are you doin’ this weekend?”
Aaron: It’s hard, too, because he can’t find anyone to go shopping for denim with him.
Heather: “Are these right?”
Aaron: The only one he can get to go with him is John, because it’s the only thing they have in common.
Scott: He really looks up to his brother. I like to think of Todd as the older brother.
Aaron: Me too.
Scott: His mom’s like “Now take care of your little brother, Todd.”
Aaron: Do you think Todd could be played by fat Val Kilmer?
Aaron: I love fat Val Kilmer. I think he’s way better looking than when he was thin Val Kilmer.
Heather: Ew. I don’t think so.
Whitney: He was never attractive.
Sam: What if he looked like Larry David?
Whitney: Well then, that would be great.
Scott: Hear that? Your sexual attractions disgust our guests.
Aaron: He just pushed that spike through from the back, and it came out the front like the Blob.
Sam: Now he’s going to put black powder on it to seal it up!
Aaron: (fist pumping) Rambo! Rambo!
All: (Fist pumping) Rambo! Rambo!
Heather: He just gauged his hip!!
Aaron: Do you think that’s one of those Cassio math watches? From Todd?
Scott: Todd’s like “You wear it silly!”
Aaron: He loves his brother, but…
Scott: We should make a web series about Todd Rambo.
Heather: Ha ha ha. Surprise, mother fucker!
Whitney: Wait! I have to hear the song.
Scott: Oh yeah. You love the Rambo songs. “I sang this in my school choir.”
(Whitney and Heather sing. Aaron shakes his head in disapproval.)
Whitney: You know this song! “The road is long…with many a winding turn…He ain’t heavy. He’s my brother.” It’s about Todd!!!
Heather: We sang this in my seventh grade choir.
Whitney: So we both sang Rambo songs in our school choirs!
New Jack City
Directed by Mario Van Peebles
Starring Wesley Snipes, Ice-T, Chris Rock, Judd Nelson, and Mario Van Peebles
1991, 97 min.
“We talkin’ ’bout accommidatin’ and consolidatin'”
Synopsis: Out of all the weapons of mass destruction we exploring in our triple feature, crack has the highest death count. Wesley Snipes doesn’t care. He just cares about that cash money. So he sets up an entire apartment building for the production and sale of crack, and it ends up getting a lot of people killed dead.
Aaron: Crack cocaine is a weapon of mass destruction. It’s a biological weapon.
Scott: Yep. You can thank the US Government.
Scott: But no. Really
Heather: Yeah really. There are two conspiracy theories I really believe and that’s one of them.
Heather: Does Mr. Cooper make a cameo in this movie??
Scott: I wish I was black in the 90s. Or back in the 90s.
Scott: This movie is like Clueless for crack dealers.
Whitney: What does that mean?
Scott: Just about a bunch of friends who are crack dealers, hanging out in a jeep. Driving around. A lot of crack. A lot
Heather: And that guy in the back is wearing the same hat as Dion’s boyfriend.
Heather: One thing that I miss about the 90s is hats with the brim-
Whitney: Yes! Flipped up! I was just thinking I want to bring that back!
Heather: It’s so cool.
Aaron: Is this Boyz to Men?
Heather: Or All 4 One?
Scott: I want to be the snow cone distributor outside New Jack City’s crack headquarters.
Whitney: What is Judd Nelson doing in a movie??
Heather: He’s so weird looking.
Whitney: Does he die?
Scott: I can’t tell you that.
Scott: It’s not early on, I can tell you that.
Scott: Ice-T is wearing a little too much mascara for my taste. A little too much eye liner.
Sam: Did you see that sign? “Crack Kills.”
Whitney: It seems like it kills…everyone in New York.
Aaron: Most of the people in this movie, if they don’t die in this movie, they’ll die in a year or so.
Whitney: I think this one has the most mass destruction, then.
Aaron: All I know is, these guys aren’t very good at going under cover and acting natural.
Whitney: That was a weird trial.
Sam: There were some weird laws back then.
Whitney: Back in the 90s?