Three Best Friends Saturday Triple Feature!!!: Vol. 6

‘Cause we’re the three best friends that anyone could have. We’re the three best friends that anyone could have.

The Attendees:

Whitney and Heather

Aaron

Luke

Scott

There weren’t as many attendees this week because I was dog sitting the family pets and – characteristically – made everyone come to me. Aaron, Heather, and Luke were really really nice to make the drive to watch movies. Thanks guys. Also, you’re hilarious.

Theme: Cross-dressing

Sylvia Scarlett
Directed by George Cukor
Starring Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant
1935, 95 min.
“Hey, I know what it is that gives me a queer feeling every time I look at you!”

Synopsis: Sylvia (Hepburn’s) dad is a con artist whose wife dies, so Sylvia dresses up as a boy…because…you know, I’m not really sure why she does it, other than the fact that she wants to act tough. Her cross-dressing seems to be less about deceit and more about escaping the gender barriers that she perceives hold her back from being the type of person she would ideally like to be. This movie’s a bit bizarre, but, true to the pre-Hays films of the 30s, it’s full of scandalous entertainment! Two girls kiss!!! What??

So? Did you get that queer feeling?:

Aaron: There are five of us, and six of these donuts. Which means that each of us get one and then we fight for the last one.
Whitney: We can arm wrestle for the last one.
Aaron: Oh no. I’m scared. I think all of you could beat me in an arm wrestle.

Aaron: I love when you just change your name just barely. Like Aaron to Erin. And Scott to…Scotia. And Luke would be…Lucia…or Lucy.
Heather: There was a boy who lived down the street from me named Heath. I thought it was so ugly.
Aaron: What would Whitney be?
Scott: Whit?
Whitney: Whitney’s already kind of a boy’s name.
Heather: An old-timey boys’ name.

Aaron: Man. Everyone’s going to be sad they’re missing Cary Grant fest.
Scott: I hope Cary Grant shows up as the football coach in Just One of the Guys.

Aaron: Man. Katherine Hepburn is spry.

Scott: Do you think Cary Grant went to the studios and said “I want to play a part where I can beat a woman! And I want the public to be ok with it. Write that for me.”
Aaron: “And even better if it could be Kathy Hepburn!”
Scott: “That damn Kathy Hepburn!”

Aaron: Heather, if you were in high school you wouldn’t have a crush on boy Katherine Hepburn?
Heather: No. Looks like a girl.
Aaron: I would.
Whitney: Me too.
Aaron: I’m glad me and Whitney have the same taste in boys.

Scott: I’m not buying this young gentleman’s hour glass figure.

Aaron: This guy really *is handsome!
Heather: He looks like Gene Wilder if he was handsome.
Whitney: Yeah!
Scott: He looks like if Gene Wilder and Errol Flynn had a baby.
Aaron: He looks like what the main guy from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers should have looked like. “Bless her beautiful hiiiiiiide. Wherever she may beeeee…” etc. For a reallllly long time.

Aaron: This movie is weird.
Luke: Yeah, I wonder if people who watched this back when it came out thought it was weird or if they were like, “yep. That’s the way we act.”

Luke: Was everyone in the 30s insane?

Just One of the Guys
Directed by Lisa Gottlieb
Starring Joyce Hyser, Clayton Rohner and Billy Jayne as the ridiculously horny little brother
1985, 90 min.
“You said you’d be ready and dressed to kill.”

Synopsis: Terry’s just your regular teenage girl with a college boyfriend that wears mini-skirt suits and catches the attention of all the creepy male teachers at her high school. Except Terry’s got goals, dreams, hobbies. She’s trying to be a famous reporter! But no one will take her seriously! So guess what she does…cross-dresses!

Did you buy it?:

Aaron: “Columbia Pictures presents…this girl!”

Heather: That tough guy said “prickers.”

Whitney: Another of these scenes? Apparently bathrooms are the hardest part of cross dressing.
Scott: Sometimes I dress up as a woman just so I don’t have to go into the men’s bathrooms.

Aaron: Jock inspections???
Scott: I’m glad I was born in ’84, after the whole jock strap craze.

Scott: This is silly. She should just change in the stalls like the fat kids.

Heather: This isn’t very realistic. I never knew one girl who would be like “I want to see a bunch of naked guys in the locker room!”
Scott: But I knew a kid that climbed through the roof to see into the girl’s locker room.

Scott: He almost ruined it! Oh! I called him a he! She’s good!

Aaron: I love these movies about boys falling in love but one of them is a girl.

Luke: If this happened to me – if someone was so obsessed with getting me a date – I would assume he was my son from the future.

Scott: It’s funny because they have costume designers that are like “we gotta make these kids look the coolest!”
Heather: “Yeah, give that girl pants that make her look like she has permanent camel toe.”
Luke: I think it looks more like a weird, giant pad.

Heather: They love each other so much and don’t even care about their dates. HAHAHA. They’re so gay for each other!

Heather: Even if you’re wearing boys’ clothes, if your boobs are that big you can’t hide them.

Heather: This is wildly inappropriate.

I Was a Male War Bride
Directed by Howard Hawks
Starring Cary Grant and Ann Sheridan
1949, 105 min.
“The process of turning a man into a woman is enormously complicated. But I’ll do my best.”

Synopsis: So this French army guy (Cary Grant without an accent. Very confusing) and this American army lady that looks like my grandma are mean to each other, but it’s kind of like in elementary school when boys hit you all the time and it just means they have a crush on you. The only problem is (because the physical abuse, I mean) is that there’s a lot of red tape for army people that want to marry each other and live in the U.S. A lot of red tape that ends with Cary Grant having to dress in drag. Oh, and Cary Grant got hepatitis while filming this movie. Bummer!

Do You Love War Brides?:

Whitney: We watched three movies all in 4:3 ratio. What a good theme.
Aaron: This already started out with good jokes…Don’t write that.
Whitney: I’m not. I’m writing my joke. It was way funny and no one appreciated it.
Aaron: What was it?
Whitney: I said “We watched three movies that were all 4:3 ratio and that’s a good other theme.”
(They all look at me. Not even a smile.)
Heather: I heard it…
Scott: You’re so obsessed with aspect ratios…
Luke: I didn’t laugh because I remember when Chapelle said it.
Aaron: Yeah. Use your own material, Whitney.

Luke: (About Ann Sheridan) Is that Lucille Ball? I think it’s Lucille Ball.
Scott: Things are gonna get wacky in the naaavvvvyyy.

Scott: They just started letting women onto submarines in the navy.
Whitney: You learned that from GI Jane!
Scott: No I didn’t! I read it in the paper just barely!
Whitney: Oh…sorry.
Scott; You tried to blow me out! Blow me up! Blow it all!
Whitney: Stop saying “blow.”

Whitney: She is bossy.
Heather: I like it.
Scott: That’s why they didn’t let women on submarines. No where to escape.
Whitney; Oh boy.
Scott: Oh boy.

Scott: “Nag nag nag. You won’t shut up. You talk too much. Nag nag nag.”
Heather: “Nag nag nag. I got you arrested. Nag nag nag. Women.”
Scott: *American* women.

Luke: Wait. There hasn’t been any cross-dressing.
Aaron: She’s back in a skirt. Is that what you’re worried about?
Luke: I thought it was headed in that direction.
Scott: They would dress him up as a woman in the prison. “You’re the war bride! This is the battlefield!”

(Sheridan and Grant kiss.)
Aaron: “I have hepatitis!”
Heather: “I told you I’d get you back!”
Aaron: “Trick!”

Whitney: Just dress like a woman!
Aaron: Or a man!
Whitney: It will solve everything!

Whitney: This is going to be a bad marriage.
Heather: She thought he was going to punch her! Not a good sign!
Aaron: Yeah, maybe they rushed into this
Scott: You have one good time in a haystack and you think you have to get married!

Scott (to Whitney): Why weren’t we married by the Bergermeister??

Luke: Maybe he’s going to find a penis on her!
Heather: You were a man the whole time!
Whitney: This movie’s about to take a dark turn.
Scott: Wedding night bloopers!!!

Scott (to Whitney): I would be your bride!
Aaron: Oh. That’s sweet.
Heather: I would be your bride.
Aaron: Who was that to? Scott or Whitney.
Heather: Just whoever was in that general direction…

Heather: The hats in this movie are wonderful. The ladies hats.
Luke: But the sleeping arrangements are frustrating.

(“You can’t sleep here.”)
Aaron: That’s what they said when Jesus was born.

(Finally there’s some cross-dressing)
Aaron: Nice legs!
Scott: Yep. Pretty good gams.
Heather: Those are some gams you can set your watch to.

Aaron: Wedding night! Wedding night!
(all of us pump our fists)
Scott: America! The place where boning’s allowed!

15 Comments

Filed under Movie Marathons, Whitney

15 responses to “Three Best Friends Saturday Triple Feature!!!: Vol. 6

  1. This was a good marathon, and these were good jokes. I’m so glad you guys started this tradition, because it’s some of the most fun (and definitely the most junk food) I have in any two week period.

  2. luke

    Man, I’m sad that I’m going to be missing these now that I work on Saturday. I’ll be able to make the last movie most of the time though.

    • We’re going to be sad when you’re not there. Can’t you just bring the ‘tards with you?

      • luke

        I thought about that and it would be ok with one of the guys but the other one would make it impossible and possibly shit on your floor (not a joke) so it probably wouldn’t work. I can be there by 9:30 every time though

  3. Rachel

    Is it creepy that I really enjoy reading these? I don’t have my own wolf pack. Just MST3K.

  4. that picture of me is awful. are you trying to make me quit the movie club?

  5. I think this is my favorite so far of the Saturday triple features. Good theme, good jokes, good times. I’m a little jealous I don’t have more hilarious movie-obsessed friends so I could start my own.

    • It really was a great theme. I originally picked “movies with the word “kill” in the title to honor Dressed to Kill,” but there are surprisingly few films with the word “kill” in the title. I’m glad I switched, because it turned out well.

      It’s surprising how much “Just One of the Guys” brings out the hilarious. The jokes are hard to avoid! You should try it, even if your friends are totally humorless.

      • Yeah I was watching Just One of the Guys the other day actually because it was on hulu. It’s just so silly! My friends aren’t humorless, I just don’t think I have a huge bunch who would have the time/inclination to sit through 3 movies in a row.

  6. off topic, but seeing that stallone is your favorite actor of the month (mine too), i was wondering, have you ever seen deathrace 2000?

    • I haven’t. But I have seen “Over the Top,” which sealed the deal for me.

      I didn’t mean to hog the side bar. You should put up some pictures, too, if you want.

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