‘Cause we’re the three best friends that anyone could have. We’re the three best friends that anyone could have.
And Paula, but I can’t find a picture, again.
Theme: Movies with colons in the title.
Rats: Night of Terror
Directed by Bruno Mattei
Starring a bunch of Italian people playing characters named Chocolate, Taurus, Video and Lucifer
1984, 97 min.
“Damn rats are just about everywhere you look.”
Synopsis: Rats may seem scary to you now, but just wait until they’re attacking you in the hundreds, crawling out of your dead whore friend’s mouth, and busting out of someone’s back! In a post apocalyptic world these young biker kids find a place to hind out that seems too good to be true – plant life, fresh water, SUGAR! Well, guess what, it is too good to be true. The place is overrun by rats. And these aren’t just your every day rats, these are evolved rats. They’ve gotten smarter, bitches, and they’ve developed a taste for human flesh!
Did You Like Rats?
Whitney: A lot of people don’t like this movie because they actually killed rats when they were making it.
Heather: If someone asked you if you could kill a bunch of rats for a movie you’d be like…no. But if they said they already killed rats for the movie, you’d be like…alright.
Aaron: No one cares if rats die. Rats are scum.
Scott: Rats and dogs.
Luke: My grandpa hates squirrels.
Aaron: If I was in the future I’d probably be in a motorcycle gang, too.
Sam: Is he Chuck Norris’s cousin?
Scott: Yes. Vincenzo Norris.
Aaron: I hope so bad there’s a king of the Rats, and he’s as big as a human.
Whitney: And he has a sword.
Luke: And a motorcycle.
Aaron: And a cape.
Heather: I wish she was wearing underwear.
Whitney: I don’t.
Scott: Is that the rat king?
Scott: “Alright, John, this is the scene where we dump a hundred rats on your face.”
Sam: She’s the rat king!
Whitney: If there isn’t a rat king I’m going to be really disappointed in my pick.
Scott: We’ll just be disappointed in you.
Luke: I like how when they show the rats they all look so innocent.
Scott: That guy looks like Eric Clapton.
Sam: It is Eric Clapton.
Scott: I just knew Chocolate was going to make it to the end. I knew it.
Whitney and Scott: Rat King!
Aaron: I think that’s just a hobo.
Scott: Are we saying the rat king couldn’t be a hobo?
Sam: I’m pretty sad about who they chose to survive.
Scott: You’re sad it’s Chocolate and Video??
Paula (walking in the door): Did I just hear you say that her name is Chocolate??
Aaron: We think it might be because she’s black.
(Watching the surprise ending)
(Lots of clapping)
Scott: All of my doubts were ill conceived.
Rambo: First Blood Part II
Directed by George P. Cosmatos
Starring Sly “John Rambo” Stallone
1985, 96 min.
“I want, what they want, and every other guy who came over here and spilled his guts and gave everything he had, wants! For our country to love us as much as we love it! That’s what I want!”
Synopsis: Do you really need a plot summary on this one? Rambo goes to some Asian country and kicks ass. End of story.
Scott: This shot already eclipsed the budget of the entire first Rambo movie.
Aaron: This is kind of the plot of Escape from New York.
Scott: Oh my God! It’s the karate coach! From Karate Kid! Put him in a body bag!…(whispering) He’s a dick!
Luke: I hope he becomes a governor, too, before Schwartzenneger is out. So they’re both governors.
Whitney: Why doesn’t this movie have leeches yet?
Scott: It does seem to be going in that direction.
Aaron: Yeah! Rambo!
(everyone pumps their fists)
Luke: Oh! They put him in gross water!
Whitney: Are those leeches?
Luke: I think so.
Heather: This whole time Whitney just wants leeches.
Luke: I think a good movie would be Grandmabo. It’s about Rambo’s grandma.
Heather: No. I don’t think so.
Heather: No. No!
Aaron: Now he has two good luck charms.
Whitney: She doesn’t need it anymore.
Luke: Did he ever get his knife back?
Aaron: Of course he did. After he hit those guys and electrocuted that guy.
Luke: This movie wouldn’t have been so good if it was more realistic, because Rambo would have been saying “gook” a lot.
Aaron: No. Not Rambo. That’s not his breed.
Luke: I bet he jumps up and grabs the helicopter.
Scott: And just pulls it down to the ground!
Luke: If I were in this army and I saw all that stuff Rambo just did I wouldn’t go after him. I’d just be like “No one will notice if I just sit here and take a break.”
Whitney: Helicopter fight???
Scott: This movie has everything.
Luke: That’s a bigger helicopter than the one Rambo has.
Aaron: Yeah, that thing’s the real deal.
Luke: Uh oh.
Luke: Well, there’s Rambo 3, so I think he’s ok.
Sam: But you wouldn’t have known there was a Rambo 3 if you saw it in the theatres.
Luke: Yeah, that would have been intense.
Aaron: Maybe Rambo 3 is a prequel.
Aaron: Oh man! That guy got served!
Whitney: (closing credits) Oh my God! I know this song! I think we sang this song in our elementary school patriotic program!
Aaron: So who drew first blood this time?
Whitney: The government again.
Sam: The guy who wouldn’t pick him up.
Aaron: But he had already killed, like, 12 people by then.
Critters 2: The Main Course
Directed by Mick Garris
Starring a lot of really unattractive people like Terrence Mann, Don Keith Opper, Scott Grimes, and Liane Alexandra Curtis
1988, 93 min.
“See Brad, I’ve got to go where the cosmic winds blow me.”
Synopsis: Those furry little cuties from outer space are back and they’re hungry for cheeseburgers! This time no one will doubt Brad because the critters are terrorizing the entire town. Lots of penis jokes. Lots of bowling ball jokes. This will be your new favorite Easter movie.
Aaron: We were allowed to watch Gremlins, but I don’t think we were allowed to watch Critters.
Heather: My brother had nightmares after he saw Gremlins.
Aaron: Did you know I had nightmares after I saw ET? We were up at Bear Lake and I woke up screaming.
Scott: We wanted to go see Gremlins but my grandma made us see White Fang.
Aaron: That’s not a bad alternative.
Scott: Yes it is!
Aaron: My grandma took us to see Groundhogs Day and tried to get us to walk out after 20 minutes but we wouldn’t do it because it was too awesome.
Heather: (In reference to Charlie) It’s going to be hard to look at him.
Whitney: I don’t think he’ll be around much longer.
Aaron: I think he is. I think he’s the comedy element.
Scott: Heather just hates people with gaps in their teeth.
Aaron: Heather just hates people that haven’t had braces.
Aaron: I haven’t had braces.
Heather: I hate you.
Scott: I’ve never had braces.
Heather: I hate you.
Sam: I’ve had braces.
Heather: I like you.
Heather: That girl’s spunky.
Whitney: Which is good because he doesn’t quite have the looks.
Heather: Its bad because she’s almost cute, but she’s…off.
Scott: I bet she has good days!
Sam: Like when? Prove it. I don’t believe you.
Sam (to Laura): Your grandma looks like a Critter, now that I think about it. Remember that picture we were looking at?
Laura: It’s true. She looks like an alien.
Sam: Are there any attractive people in this show?
Scott: I think that red head kid’s ok..
Sam: He’s goofy looking.
Sam: Maybe a critter will be attractive.
Scott: Remember that part in MIB 2 when that alien turns into the lengere model?
Scott: Remember that?
Whitney: That’s how those rat attacks should have been.
Aaron: Instead of just rats lying around –
Whitney: Looking all calm.
Aaron: – crawling out of mouths and getting thrown at people.
Scott: (throwing motions) Rat attack! Rat attack!
Paula: I have to go pick up my friend at the airport.
Sam: At least you got to see the critters.
Whitney: And they’ll always stay cute and cuddly babies to you.
Luke: And maybe you’ll see this girl eaten…
Paula: Oh, I need to stay to see this girl eaten. Will they kill off a child like that??
(The girl’s dad squishes the critter. The girl is safe)
Aaron: I wish there was a movie that came out called Critterbusters…but that kid’s the real critter buster.
Aaron: Do you think there’s a critter wrangler?
Heather: That critter swore!
Aaron: We have already seen, like, 5 scenes with that girl’s boobs, so I’m not that surprised by a little swearing.
Heather: I don’t like the swears.
Aaron: Are you typing that?
Whitney: Yeah. Is that ok?
Aaron: No. That was supposed to just be between me and Heather.
Heather: Where did this town get all these explosives?
Whitney: That’s what I was thinking.
Scott: It’s middle America! They have militias!
Aaron: He makes a good point, cheeseburgers are awesome.
Heather: That red-headed kid doesn’t have any cool catch phrases. That’s one thing that would make this movie so much better.
Aaron: But did you see his eyebrows are the same color as his hair?
Luke: This was a good marathon.