Three Best Friends Saturday Triple Feature!!: Vol. 3

‘Cause we’re the three best friends that anyone could have. We’re the three best friends that anyone could have.

The Attendees:

Scott and Whitney


Eber and Heather





Jessica and Weston

This Weeks Theme: Movies Featuring Awesome Beards.

Flash Gordon
Directed by Mike Hodged
Starring Sam Jones, Melody Andersen, and Max von Sydow as a Chinaman
1980, 111 min.
“Flash! Flash! I love you! But we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!”

Best beard of the night?

Synopsis: New York Jets Quarterback and the travel agent he just met on a crashing airplane get duped into traveling into outer space to save Earth from evil Emperor Ming. Luckily, Flash has the balls to get the job done! Soundtrack by Queen!!


Scott: If that general was at the bear bar, I’d text message him.

Jessica: Timothy Dalton had dreamy eyes.

Weston: Rock on, Queen!

Aaron: So many volcanic eruptions!

Sam: Best weapons creating a variety of different colored bloods.

Heather: Not only did Beard Number One have the best beard and the best lines, but he also mastered the art of crazy eyes.

Luke: That’s the only movie I’ve ever seen.

Eber: I’ll think of something later.


Directed by Aaron Norris – Chuck’s kid brother
Starring Jonathan Brandis, Joe Piscopo, and Chuck Norris
1992,  101 min.
“My son has asthma!”

Don't be deceived. You won't find this one on DVD.

Synopsis: I still have a crush on Jonathan Brandis. Poor little guy has asthma nad escapes all his problems by escaping into a dream world where he and Chuck Norris are best buddies and re-enact the best moments from past Norris films. A kindly teacher takes him (and his dad – hubba hubba) under her wing and enlists her brother to teach Jonathan Karate. Asthma, tournaments, Joe Piscopo as an evil Sensei, and drunken Chinese food-loving bikers. What more could you want? Nunchucks? You got it!


Weston: I liked that movie. You got a problem with that, son??

Jessica: I have the sudden urge to conduct giant bins of smog.

Scott (he found this movie for me): You’re welcome.

Luke: I don’t know…something about me pretending during the whole movie that Chuck Norris was pushing the play button and…I don’t know…
Whitney (to Heather): Is there something wrong with Luke?
Heather: I don’t think he wants to do the quotes anymore but he doesn’t want to say that.

Heather: As far as I’m concerned, Sidekicks is the ACTUAL Karate Kid 3.

Eber: I … don’t … know…

Sam: If this movie is not great I must be wrong or … dead wrong.

Laura: Well I was only here for, like, 20 minutes, but it was … pretty interesting.

Aaron: Man, that was almost as good as Double Team. (picture)

Teressa: I don’t know. I fell asleep during the last part but it’s only because I worked a double shift today.

The Space Amoeba
Directed by Ishiro Honda (same guy that directed the original Godzilla)
Starring a bunch of people I, unfortunately, have never had the pleasure of seeing before
1970, 84 min.
“You’re all suffering from monsterphobia!”

Check out that flying turtle.

Synopsis: Some sparkly alien stuff finds its way onto a space shuttle which then crashes to Earth. That part we’re sure of. And then there is some general confusion. Does the Space Amoeba invade existing giant monsters that proceed to attack Japanese islanders? Or does the Space Amoeba cause the squid and lobster to grow into giant monsters? Wikipedia says the monsters already existed, but we’re pretty sure the Amoeba can make things grow. At any rate, it’s total chaos!

(Because of general malaise over my asking for quotes at the end of the movie, I just took notes while we were watching. I think the results are more rewarding, don’t you?)

Sam: I’m going to have nightmares about star dust.

Luke: Dubbed movies always sound like they got people from the 50s to do the voices.

Laura: This is like Japanese Lost.

Heather: It turns out this is just The Cove.
Scott: They’re just going to slaughter dolphins.
Heather: Yeah, “we’re just going to fish where we want to!”
(giant squid appears)
Scott: That will teach to you fish where you want!

Scott: How did you find this movie?
Aaron: I don’t know. I had, like, 35 tabs open and then I looked at every trailer I could find and crossed my fingers that they had awesome beards.

Scott: We’re going to have to look harder for beards that are racist against Asians in this movie.
Jessica: Have all our movies had Asians?
Scott: Apparently if you want an awesome beard in your movie, you have to hire an Asian. It’s a union thing.
Weston: Japanese and beards. Good mix.

Scott: Oh my God. I just realized. This is Gilligan’s Island. There’s Ginger and the Professor…
Whitney: Was there a doctor on Gilligan’s Island?
Sam: They combined the two characters (The Professor and The Doctor) for money reasons.
Jessica: But there wasn’t an Amoeba on Gilligan’s Island.
Aaron: It’s not just an Amoeba. It’s a space Amoeba.

Weston: Are they going to kill those dolphins?
Whitney: Of course they are.

Sam: All he wants to do is tear the houses down because he wants a natural place to live.
Whitney: I’m rooting for the squid.
Aaron: I’m rooting for colonialism. If the squid can take care of the native problem, then we’re in business.

Sam: Who do you think would win: space amoeba or Godzilla?
Scott: The space amoeba would just enter Godzilla and control him.
Scott: I’m imagining the space amoeba as Venom from Spiderman. Venom’s weakness was sound waves, too!
Whitney: Stan Lee saw this movie!

Aaron: This had more volcanic eruptions than Flash Gordon!

Scott: Aaron, this is the best pick ever. I will do everything in my power to spread the word about The Space Amoeba. The movie, not the actual space amoeba.

Weston: That’s a pretty good puppet.

Laura: Japanese Lost with Asian Moses and Gilligan’s Island.



Filed under Movie Marathons, Whitney

6 responses to “Three Best Friends Saturday Triple Feature!!: Vol. 3

  1. Heather C

    As a kid, I had a crush on Jonathan Brandis (RIP!) and I seemed to love any movie that involved kids-as-martial-artists. So, naturally, Sidekicks was the best movie ever.

  2. I remember you having a crush on him. So when I picked that movie I figured you had probably seen it. I love that there isn’t a fight between Brandis and the bad kid at the end and it’s just him breaking a bunch of bricks. I also love that it isn’t clear whether Chuck Norris was at the tournament at all or whether it was all in paranoid schizophrenic jonathan Brandis’s head the whole time.

    • Heather C

      I guess there’s no need to get in a fight with someone if you have the opportunity to light a stack of bricks on fire and punch through it. I’ve applied that lesson to my own life. I settle all my arguments with a brick-breaking contest. Once they see me pull out the lighter fluid, they know I mean business.

      But, really, the people that made Sidekicks expect us to believe that that skinny, asthmatic Barry Warry (who could barely fill out those silk pajamas he was wearing at the competition) could beat the bully in a brick-breaking contest? Barry couldn’t punch through a sheet of wet tissue paper!

      And like they would allow Chuck Norris to enter the competition! How is there not a rule that professional fighters can’t compete in an amateur competition? That Chuck Norris must have low self-esteem.

      As for whether Chuck was at the tournament or just a figment of Barry’s imagination…I remember pondering that as a kid (I was a very, very deep child. Pondering my existence alongside Chuck Norris’s). But I think he was there. If Chuck was a figment of his imagination, then the whole tournament was his imagination, and then pretty much the whole thing was his imagination. And I don’t want to believe Sidekicks went all St. Elsewhere on me (this movie is just too damn important to my life!). I think Chuck probably did show up, but then he disappeared when Barry turned around because he felt his work was done.

      And then isn’t there a kid in a wheelchair at the end that picks up Chuck’s magazine or something like that? What are they trying to imply? That Chuck is on a mission to help invalid kids? That this kid in a wheelchair will be doing roundhouse kicks by next year?

      And, really, Chuck Norris did nothing. The person that made all this possible for Barry was that crazy old Chinese guy. He’s the one that taught and trained him. Fuck Chuck Norris.

      Also, I think the wrong Bridges brother won the Oscar.

      Oh, but Ladybugs is by far the superior Jonathan Brandis film.

      • I think Chuck was at the tournament, but then he left before Barry even had a chance to break through those bricks (there wasn’t even a single cutaway of him during that scene). Barry was so sad his idol had better things to do than sit around and watch that brick stunt, so he imagined him outside the tournament having some deep philosophical conversation.

        “Fuck Chuck Norris.” How could you say that? That Chinese guy is cool, but Chuck was the INSPIRATION. What’s more important? Skills or badassness??

        I haven’t seen Ladybugs yet. But I will. That boy’s the cutest. And, yes, I feel like a total pedophile.

        • Heather C.

          Yeah, totally. I think Chuck took off after his fight so that he didn’t have to witness that sad display of brick breaking. “I’m not here for you kid, I was here to boost my self-esteem and to pick up under-age chicks. That Winnie Cooper sure is good looking. Give me a call when you actually do some real fighting, pussy. I’m sure there’s a handicap kid in the parking lot that could kick your ass.”

  3. Oh My God I didn’t tell you about the miracle that is Weng Weng. Look for his Super Spy stuff.
    Weng Weng is a Polenesian actor who stars in awesome movies like “The Impossible Kid” and “For Y’ur Height Only”. he’s 3 feet tall and is overdubbed by a giant. he’s awesome.

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