custom made for freshness tm (trademark or trade-mark)

a new geometry

last friday, i attended a lecture by the guy who stole the moon rocks from nasa and tried to sell them on the black market.  during his five-plus years in prison, he invented a new theoretical frame-work for understanding both space and the space between space using an eleven dimensional reference points.

this is what i remember:

so these scientists fed the equations for the four forces (gravitational, electro-magnetic, strong and weak nuclear) into a SUPERCOMPUTER asking for a symmetrical equation (unified theory) and the SUPERCOMPUTER was like “i cannot answer this question given the parameters”.  so the scientists changed the parameters—they made the number of dimensions a variable.  years later, the SUPERCOMPUTER came back with a symmetrical answer.  it was a billion-trillion plus characters long and contained eleven dimensions.  to check the answer, the scientists asked some other SUPERCOMPUTERs.  they said the first SUPERCOMPUTER was right.

in earth v(s) the flying-saucer(s), the aliens send a message:

PEOPLE OF EARTH, ATTENTION; PEOPLE OF EARTH, ATTENTION
THIS MESSAGE IS COMING FROM SPACE, THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY; THIS MESSAGE IS COMING FROM SPACE, THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY
LOOK TO YOUR SUN FOR A SIGN; LOOK TO YOUR SUN FOR A SIGN

the sign is maybe a massive solar-flare.  eight days of catastrophe follow—earthquakes, typhoons, volcanoes.  all electronic communication fails.  then the aliens attack.

it’s too nice of day for it to happen today

the military found that the aliens wore a synthetic, protective outer-layer complete with a heightened sense perception and an automatic translator.  they, the military, interpreted this as a sign of weakness (something like, if these aliens need additions to their biological (god-given?) bodies to wage war, we humans don’t need to worry), then went back to building a sonic weapon capable of knocking those flying-saucers out of orbit.

many civilians died that day, some even smashed by the crumbling washington monument.  after the sonic gun finally crashed five of their flying-saucers, the aliens (apparently) retreated.

palm beach vacation!

a SUPERCOMPUTER learns to write (in cursive)

did i mention that the aliens came correct with an automatic translator built into their cyborg-suits?  when military-scientists got a hold of the suits, they tried reverse engineering the translation process by reading every word from the (english) dictionary into the suit and recording the alien-equivalent responses.  now they (or maybe i should say we, since this film is likely only shown to earthlings, even though, like bladerunner, i identified more with the non-humans in the film) have an alien word for every english word in the dictionary (which means, since it’s like 1956 or something,  slang word equivalents were not included; however, this doesn’t mean the aliens can’t understand slang).  the obvious problem with this solution (past the more obvious problem that even word-for-word translations of different human languages are terrible at conveying the actual meaning of sentences) is it presupposes that alien language is structurally related to human language.

but, whatever.

the military then intercepts (and records) an inter-alien message.  the audio recording is then fed into a(n analog) SUPERCOMPUTER (whose real life name is GE DIFFERENTIAL ANALYZER) which then relays the message in english–not in a type-written message, but in cursive using a mechanical arm and a no. 2 pencil.

punchline

in both incidents, when facing a crisis (whether facing extinction from an invasive species or searching for the origins of the universe), we turn to computers for our answer.  too bad they only answer in code.

2 Comments

Filed under Brian

2 responses to “custom made for freshness tm (trademark or trade-mark)

  1. natali

    did the computers cure cancer yet? i havent been reading the news.

  2. brian

    i heard they’re working on the algorithms right now.

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