Christian Bale’s Beard Doesn’t Put Out

Here is an important lesson I learned from the movie The Fabulous Stains: music is better when no one really knows what they’re doing. Diane Lane doesn’t have to know how to sing, Laura Dern doesn’t even have to know a chord on the guitar (she makes up her own), and that other girl…doesn’t really interest me.


Not knowing how to play their instruments doesn’t mean they don’t know exactly what they’re doing. At least Diane Lane does. Her image and persona act alongside the music  to create the entire product – yes it’s an image that is subsequently co-opted for commercial gain, and then parodied until the original is obsolete, but initially punk rock seems to be far more about pseudo-politics than anything else.


So what I’m getting at is: I should be a rock star. I have no musical ability, but I could definitely come up with a crazy outfit and get mad about gender politics. I would call my band Christian Bale’s Beard.

My first album:


1. Snake Charming can be Dangerous
2. Tell the Truth, Do I Look Like a Polygamist in this Outfit?
3. The Pedophile’s Pigeons
4. Fat Girls are Notoriously Bad Dancers (Part 1)
5. But We’re Great in the Sack (Part 2) (Radio Edit)
6. Ted Williams
7.  No One Shot Kennedy
8. Puppy Street

That last one is tricky, because just like The Stains, Christian Bale’s Beard will steal a much-loved song from a lesser-known band and claim it as their own. With the combination of our enormous sex appeal and our important political messages, a song like  Puppy Street will make us millions (of dollars). Suck it, We’re Petrified!

So if someone with minimal musical talent, gumption, and energy would just go ahead and make this album for me, that’d be great. Also, teach me the keyboard parts (or drums or guitar or tambourine). That way I can stand on stage and get a lot of attention. I think I’d like that.


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9 responses to “Christian Bale’s Beard Doesn’t Put Out

  1. brian

    it’s funny, because we already have 4 versions of puppy street recorded. and they’re all different from what we even play. so, i say, go right ahead and steal the song. my future hope is that there are 100 versions of puppy street and everyone of them makes a million dollars.

    i also really liked how they couldn’t play. and how un-aggressive the music sounded. like, punk was all about loud noises, fast playing, moshing and violence. then the stains come along and play these quiet little songs. that’s punk rock in the same way that beat happening is punk rock.

    • No, you ruined it. You’re supposed to be really upset. Now it’s not punk rock at all…we’re just a lame cover band!

      • brian

        you can reply to specific comments?
        and, the thing with punk rock, imo, is that the conventions always have to change. otherwise it’s no longer punk. so in the 80s, we’d be pissed off. but since it’s the future, it seems like the only punk thing to do is encourage everyone to steal all of your songs.
        also, since all out songs consist of only one or two chords, its safe to say we already stole them all, so i dont see how i can object to people stealing our stuff.

  2. Can I be in your band?

    I can grow a beard if needed.

    I can’t play an instrument, but I can say every third word along with you.

    I have a couple of song additions as well.

    Vessels of Fluid

    Suicidal Squirrels

    And Gout Attack!

  3. bluebeardsbeard

    You can be in the band, but you have learn how to play instruments, like kazoos, tambourines, shakers, and fun trick noise makers. (or you can just get drum sticks and bang on stuff, some sense of timing may or may not be required)

    I know it may seem demanding at first, those instruments are well, not for those who give up easily, it takes true mastery to bang on stuff. But sorry, we’re petrified! has to have to have rules.

  4. bluebeardsbeard

    Rules are punk now, it’s Brian’s future world.
    Punk has changed!

  5. brian

    the only rule i have, for any band, is try and make as many people hate it as i can

  6. Pingback: the bottom of the ocean: where things can’t see or be seen « dear jesus

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