i’m trying something new.
rather than write about movies no has seen and most people would have no interest in seeing, i’m going to write about movies no one has ever see because they’ve never been made.
recently, i’ve become a fan of mel gibson the director (but not mel gibson the actor or person). i mean, apocalyptico is the most fucked-up movie i have ever seen. not convinced? name another movie that is straight violence, all subtitles and still gets played in the corporate mega-theaters all over the us. the passion of christ is the only other movie i can think of and that one was also directed by gibson.
(i have to admit that i’ve never seen the passion and probably never will but i imagine it as a three hour torture fest, all in subtitles, that still made billions. how is that even possible? and dont forget that braveheart had like an hour long torture scene ending in a spectacular execution. it’s not that gibson is the most extreme mainstream filmmaker, but maybe the most extreme filmmaker ever who somehow ended up making mainstream movies that are uncompromising in their vision and violence. in fact, i’m not even saying that mel gibson makes good movies; i’m saying he makes movies that you never forget — in a traumatizing kind of way — and that is, at least, impressive.)
anyway, i have this idea for a movie that i want mel gibson to direct. it’s gonna be an epic; a mormon epic.
it starts in carthage jail. 4 men — joseph smith, hyrum smith, john taylor and william richards — are sitting around.
joseph smith (to john taylor): sing it one more time.
john taylor (singing): a poor wayfaring man of grief . . .
BAM! a gun -shot outside. a mob smashes down the cell door with guns blazing. hyrum is hit in the face.
hyrum: i am a dead man!
hyrum falls to the floor dead. john taylor gets hit in the chest, but the bullet is stopped by his pocket watch. joseph pulls out a pistol, fires into at the mob and then tries to jump out the window of the cell. he is shot twice in the back and once in the chest (by the rest of the mob located outside carthage jail).
joseph: oh lord, my god!
joseph falls head first out the window to his death. william richards somehow never gets shot.
then there’s some scenes of nauvoo getting destroyed — houses burned to the ground, tar and feathering for everyone, that kind of stuff.
then everyone is trying to figure out who the next prophet should be. brigham young gets to address the church. as he speaks, his voice begins to sound like joseph smith’s. as he continues speaking, brigham young begins to look like joseph smith. everyone (or most everyone) realizes he’s the new prophet.
brigham young: god has commanded me to lead you west!
the rest of the movie follows a handcart company (probably the martin company) as they make their way to salt lake. it’ll be horrific (which i’m using to mean terrifically horrifying) — everyone freezing to death, mass amputations using rusty saws, bear attacks, killing and eating your cattle, indian attacks, lighting strikes, hanging dead bodies from trees because the ground is too frozen for burial, children drowned in the river, etc.
the movie ends with brigham young laying sick in the back of a covered wagon. the wagon pulls up to the edge of the salt lake valley. brigham young sits up and points out over the valley.
brigham young: this is the place.
instead of ending credits, there will just be citations of pioneer journals. every instance of extreme violence will be cited.
also, there will be no stars in the film. it’s a movie about an entire handcart company, not about a couple people who happen to be in the handcart company.
and, even though the lds church may disapprove, this movie will be rated r (at least, but, with mel gibson directing, it might end up being nc-17) for extreme violence.