A Little More Personal

Not being in school is depressing. I’ve been working towards various diplomas and degrees for eighteen years, and this six month break has not been the most rewarding of my life. Dog walking has been fun and I really like being with animals all day instead of people, but it doesn’t really give you very much time to better yourself intellectually. And my second job at the cafe (conveniently located inside a car dealership) kind of lets me read, but I usually only get about a paragraph finished between car salesmen wanting extra large breves and mechanics complaining about the ridiculous prices or the Coca-Cola that has been out for two weeks. Today my school of choice informed me I will not be attending. The rejection is a little hurtful, but I understand a lot of what goes on in these application processes is politics and convenience. What’s more distressing is thinking about not being in school, studying film, doing the things that are important to me. 

It’s hard being self-motivated. I think after you learn basic study skills in college, graduate school is somewhat superfluous. Professors can guide you to things you might be really interested in, but more often than not they’re going to guide you to busy work having to do with things they’re really interested in. What grad school was good for – for me – was deadlines and guidelines for specific assignments and projects.

So, anyway, all this personal babble is leading me to a point…kind of. I’m trying to become a little more academically focused again, despite the fact that I probably won’t be going to school in the next year. I think that blogging can be a big help here. I never want to write something that no one is ever going to read. I’d like at least one person to acknowledge that some work went into whatever gets barfed onto a page…and the internet seems really good for that kind of ego-satisfying work. Even when the criticism is negative, it’s always good to know that people are paying attention.

In the future I hope to put a little more effort into all this film studies stuff. Maybe regain some of the passion two jobs and a thesis have sucked out of me. 

I think this was just another effort to motivate myself.



Filed under Whitney

4 responses to “A Little More Personal

  1. I’m a terrible commenter, but just so you know, I read it all, and love every post.

    Sorry about the rejection. This really was not the year to apply to any program, anywhere. Don’t give up–the second time really is the charm for a lot of people. The year of waiting, however, really really sucks.

  2. brian

    i found that in some ways, being out of school is liberating. somehow, i read more now than when i was in school. and read stuff that is way more interesting.

    but more importantly, writing outside of a academic setting is the best! (i’m dead serious about that exclamation point.) i think it allow you to really develop your own, personal style.

    the downside, like you say, is the lack of structure meaning that realistically, i write a lot less even though i would argue my writing (and reading) has gotten much better.

    i’m sorry about the rejection. but we’ll just have to take our intellectual careers outside of academia. plus, fuck those guys; they don’t even like darkstar.

  3. I just wish I didn’t have to work menial jobs while I was reading and writing. The biggest reason I was looking forward to grad school was being able to teach and get a stipend. Dog walking is cool because I just get to be outdoors, but working at the cafe is making me a snob. I keep wanting to tell everyone I’m more educated than them and they can get their own fucking cappuccino.

    Do you hate your job? Everyone hates their job, right?

    I am excited to study whatever I want, though, and be able to express myself a little more informally and – probably – interestingly. I don’t know…I want to start more projects. So this whole life-changing-rejection thing (not really life-changing, but I like being dramatic) is probably a really good jump start.

    And, you’re right, those University of Utah Mother Fuckers probably have never even seen Dark Star.

  4. anne

    So I just found this blog a couple hours ago while searching for a picture of Paranoid Park on Google Images & I love it!

    I don’t agree with some things you say but that’s the beauty of it – someone who makes you think is someone worth knowing. In this case “knowing” you is by reading your blog. Good work!

    As for the uni rejection, ouch, I know all too well! Ok so this is me at the moment, I thought I wanted to work in fashion, so I’m at fashion tech at the moment, however being there made me realise I really NEED to go to university & contribute more to the world than knowing what bias cut is. I’m sure people can find fashion extremely fulfilling but I need something different.

    So I skip class last week to pay a visit to the University of Auckland (I’m from NZ) & find out that to do what I want to do I have to essentially go back to HIGH SCHOOL subjects, pass that, then apply for uni all over again.

    I was basically laughed at… meanwhile one of my best friends from high school gives me a call to say that she just got a letter informing her that she’s been accepted to HARVARD UNIVERSITY.

    Last month she got her letter from Yale, opening their arms & last Dec she was granted a $50,000 scholarship to Auckland University…

    My other three best friends from high school are all on Full scholarships to Auckland or Wellington university right now too….

    So am I feeling a little rejected? Maybe. But more than anything I’m feeling a little more than DETERMINED to join them, even if it means I have to go to community college to get more high school credits in the next two years. Go back to Auckland, beg them to take me & hopefully go to grad school with them all, on the same league.

    What’s my point? Brian… screw what the school has to say & go for your friggin dream, no matter what!

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