I saw Batman. I liked it. Heath Ledger was cool.
It seems like Batman films are directors’ properties. While there are hundreds of people involved in these productions (trust me, I stayed – on bad information – for all of the credits to Dark Knight) the director is who everyone is focusing on right now as far as filmmaking goes. Who’s better? Nolan, Burton?
Then, of course, is the star. I think Bale makes a fine Batman, but what about Adam West? Doesn’t he add a delightful twist to the franchise?
And gossip about who will be the next Batman villain is all the rage these days. (though we all know who won’t get the part, jerks)
So what if some of my favorite directors made a Batman film? Who would they cast as the Caped Crusader? Which Arkham nut case will try to get the job done?
Well, obviously Batman would be black. Instead of blacking out the skin around his eyes with make up he could just wear the mask. Way less prep time = fewer citizen deaths. Spike Lee would definitely cast Denzel Washington. The man’s obsessed with that perfectly symmetrical face. Plus, Wesley Snipes is in jail for tax evasion.
Sure, Denzel would probably make a bit of a dopey Dark Knight, but Spike Lee gets a chance to direct a film as huge as Batman, he’s going with his golden boy for sure. But, Batman would be called Blackman, he’d be from Brooklyn instead of Gotham. When he’s not fighting crime, he’s a not-so-subtly racist cop.
Blackman fights Superman, because Blackman can beat that alien bitch. Superman comes into Brooklyne, locking up all the young black men and trying to “save them from themselves” and Blackman kicks some foreign, aryan ass.
Blackman Got Game. Produced by:
Robert Altman, known for his huge ensemble casts, never got a chance to direct a Batman film. It’s a shame that the closest he ever got was Popeye, and I hope we never forget what a film atrocity that is. But I think he might do a good job. I always like the spontaneity of his movies, and Batman could use a little improvisation, a little pick-up football game, a little country pizazz.
That’s why Robert Altman would cast Warren Beatty as Batman. There have been a lot of Batman movies…he’s old, he’s tired. He might go into politics soon?
And you better believe Altman would find a way to fit every single Batman major villain he can into this one:
Alan Alda could play Robin.
Tim Robbins would be The Joker. (though he’d fight for the Batman role)
Julianne Moore would be Poison Ivy.
Robert Downey Jr. could play The Mad Hatter.
The Riddler could be played by Garrison Keillor.
And he’d have some lesser known villains in there, too. He’d get some Calculator up in that shit! (for sure played by Donald Sutherland)
And finally: Catwoman played by Lily Tomlin:
Batman probably wouldn’t be played by a woman – fascist that he is – but Poison Ivy is definitely making an appearance in this film.
Joshua Brolin might play Batman, but he wouldn’t get much screen time. This is a story about villains, and all the awesome, female empowering sex they’re having.
Poison Ivy (Nicole Kidman), Harley Quinn (Kirsten Dunst), the lesser known Jane Doe (Zooey Deschanel), and Catwoman (Naomi Watts) are four friends in relationships that are all at different levels of commitment. That’s not to say they’re afraid of a little girl on girl loving now and then. They’re open.
The movie will be Aussie heavy, and Brolin is only a sexual pawn in their game.
There’s only one man that can play Batman in Herzog’s version of the film and that would be this crazy ass:
Klaus Kinsky: notorious for holding people at gun point and walking off of every set he’s ever been on.
No one’s willing to fight this guy. Even The Joker shies away. The only guy Werner Herzog can possibly get to star opposite Kinsky? Himself.
By the way, a lot of the jokes (i.e. all of the Spike Lee jokes) in this post were from Scott, who helped me out a lot with this post.