Batman Their Way

I saw Batman. I liked it. Heath Ledger was cool.

It seems like Batman films are directors’ properties. While there are hundreds of people involved in these productions (trust me, I stayed – on bad information – for all of the credits to Dark Knight) the director is who everyone is focusing on right now as far as filmmaking goes. Who’s better? Nolan, Burton?

Then, of course, is the star. I think Bale makes a fine Batman, but what about Adam West? Doesn’t he add a delightful twist to the franchise?

And gossip about who will be the next Batman villain is all the rage these days. (though we all know who won’t get the part, jerks)

So what if some of my favorite directors made a Batman film? Who would they cast as the Caped Crusader? Which Arkham nut case will try to get the job done?

Spike Lee

Well, obviously Batman would be black. Instead of blacking out the skin around his eyes with make up he could just wear the mask. Way less prep time = fewer citizen deaths. Spike Lee would definitely cast Denzel Washington. The man’s obsessed with that perfectly symmetrical face. Plus, Wesley Snipes is in jail for tax evasion.

Sure, Denzel would probably make a bit of a dopey Dark Knight, but Spike Lee gets a chance to direct a film as huge as Batman, he’s going with his golden boy for sure. But, Batman would be called Blackman, he’d be from Brooklyn instead of Gotham. When he’s not fighting crime, he’s a not-so-subtly racist cop. 

Blackman fights Superman, because Blackman can beat that alien bitch. Superman comes into Brooklyne, locking up all the young black men and trying to “save them from themselves” and Blackman kicks some foreign, aryan ass.

Blackman Got Game. Produced by:

Robert Altman

Robert Altman, known for his huge ensemble casts, never got a chance to direct a Batman film. It’s a shame that the closest he ever got was Popeye, and I hope we never forget what a film atrocity that is. But I think he might do a good job. I always like the spontaneity of his movies, and Batman could use a little improvisation, a little pick-up football game, a little country pizazz. 

That’s why Robert Altman would cast Warren Beatty as Batman. There have been a lot of Batman movies…he’s old, he’s tired. He might go into politics soon?

And you better believe Altman would find a way to fit every single Batman major villain he can into this one:

Alan Alda could play Robin.
Tim Robbins would be The Joker. (though he’d fight for the Batman role)
Julianne Moore would be Poison Ivy.
Robert Downey Jr. could play The Mad Hatter.
The Riddler could be played by Garrison Keillor. 

And he’d have some lesser known villains in there, too. He’d get some Calculator up in that shit! (for sure played by Donald Sutherland)

And finally: Catwoman played by Lily Tomlin:


 

Jane Campion

Batman probably wouldn’t be played by a woman – fascist that he is – but Poison Ivy is definitely making an appearance in this film.

Joshua Brolin might play Batman, but he wouldn’t get much screen time. This is a story about villains, and all the awesome, female empowering sex they’re having.

Poison Ivy (Nicole Kidman), Harley Quinn (Kirsten Dunst), the lesser known Jane Doe (Zooey Deschanel), and Catwoman (Naomi Watts) are four friends in relationships that are all at different levels of commitment. That’s not to say they’re afraid of a little girl on girl loving now and then. They’re open.

The movie will be Aussie heavy, and Brolin is only a sexual pawn in their game. 

Werner Herzog 

There’s only one man that can play Batman in Herzog’s version of the film and that would be this crazy ass:

Klaus Kinsky: notorious for holding people at gun point and walking off of every set he’s ever been on.

No one’s willing to fight this guy. Even The Joker shies away. The only guy Werner Herzog can possibly get to star opposite Kinsky? Himself.

By the way, a lot of the jokes (i.e. all of the Spike Lee jokes) in this post were from Scott, who helped me out a lot with this post.

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15 Comments

Filed under Whitney

15 responses to “Batman Their Way

  1. Which of the Campion women will be shown urinating? Don’t forget that every Campion movie has to have someone peeing. I’ve still never figured out why.

    Alan Alda would make a really swell geriatric Robin, the bird who can no longer fly.

  2. brian

    i wish herzog would have made a movie where kinskey plays every character. but i’m sure it would still be somewhat boring. and i say that as a huge herzog fan. but his “fiction” films are always so slow.

  3. Maybe if he made a documentary about the making of the fiction film starring Kinskey, Kinskey, Kinskey, Kinskey, and Kinskey would be more interesting.

  4. this is fun.

    whitney –send me an email!

  5. What about Woody Allen? Batman’s appropriately neurotic.

    “Tch, what do you mean I’m afraid of commitment! I’m a terror of the night! I inspire fear! I’m not some kind of relationphobe or something!”

    “But Bruce, this is just the third night you’ve gone out to beat the tar out of some mentally ill person in spandex instead of spend the evening with me. I can’t be with another man who’s married to his work.”

    “Tch, well, uh, you see, I wouldn’t say married, just in a long-term relationship.”

  6. brian

    also, i heard herzog was remaking this cool movie called the bad lt. actually, it’s less of a remake and more of a sequel. except with different characters.

  7. Woody Allen, that’d be funny.

    Scarlet Johanson would probably be in it these days, and I can’t complain with that.

  8. I also considered doing a Terrence Malick Batman movie starring the scenery. The good news is, Christian Bale could be in it, too.

  9. Rusty James

    Herzog held Kinski at gun point.

    Here’s a review of Sam Fuller’s batman

  10. heather

    you’re funny. Or, actually I guess scott is. Maybe he should be my new best friend (especially if our boyfriends aren’t willing to be BFFs.

  11. I was hoping you’d venture a guess on what a Godard Batman would be …
    Klaus Kinski would be amazing, though I’d see him more as a Joker type.

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