You say Hello.

I like to measure the success of my relationships on the amount of monetary gain. Sure there are other factors (knowledge gained, support given, companionship, etc.) but, residing in a capitalistic society – and loving it! – I feel like money is what counts. Let’s recap:

Travis – Though the CDs he gave me were all burned, burners were still new at the time and I didn’t have access to high-speed internet. The Anniversary, AFI, Alkaline Trio…and those are just the A’s! Plus, I still have his MxPx hoodie, which has stood the test of time. And let’s not forget that horrible cash disaster that was Jr. Prom. Travis was definitely a win.
Mike – For the four years that I knew Mike, he only had a car for two months. Unlike the Travis situation, my parents weren’t paying for gas anymore, so Mike was definitely a loss. I believe he bought me a burrito once, and he gave me Fight Club as a gift. Doesn’t nearly cover the cost of driving his ass around town. And he wouldn’t take me to prom, even when I asked. Twice.
Dave – As far as month-long relationships go, this was a good one. Nice meals (plus, he didn’t ever want his leftovers), books and movies that I “borrowed”/”stole”, and X-Files season three for my birthday. Win.

God, I think we need some time apart. We’ve had a good run. There have been some ups and downs. But lately I just feel like it isn’t working out. You never really seem to be there when I need you. And I’m not saying that’s all your fault. You know I haven’t been that great at articulating my feelings, and I usually just expect you to read my mind. I’m not saying this is a permanent thing, I just think we both need some time to figure out what it is we really want and then we need to find better ways at making those wants clear. Until then, let’s drop these pretenses.

So as far as You and I go? I’ve been doing some calculations…on a tithing:refreshments ratio, I’m definitely winning. Thirty dollars for a week-long trip to summer camp isn’t too bad, either. Never mind the fact that those weeks were the closest I hope I ever get to Hell, or the fact that time is money. If we’re talking literal monetary gain…I totally win.

So, thanks a lot God. We’ll keep in touch. I promise.

No “Amen” because I’m afraid of blasphemy.



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6 responses to “You say Hello.

  1. brian

    so it looks like i’m alone for a while. that’s ok since i barely pray anymore. do you think it hurts god’s feelings when we break-up with it?

  2. I imagine he’s devestated. That seems to be effect I have on most people. Also, I’ll probably still be praying. Already I’m all excited because my mom prayed that I would “have fun with my friends even though she doesn’t like them sometimes and says she never wants to see them again” and I did!

  3. Dave

    I am not sure what books / movies you have, but I am glad you have them.

  4. Oh man! I just forgot! You have my theory book and that was like a million dollars. You are a loss!!!! Make it up to me.

  5. haddiefish

    1) You think that refreshments cover the cost of tithing?! Are you kidding me? Brownie mix is like, a dollar. You eat, let’s say, one tenth of the average box of brownies at each young women’s activity. That’s about ten cents a week that’s spent on you. Twenty if they give you that watered down lemonade shit in those big orange coolers. At a particularly liberal mutual activity- if they spring for those grocery store cookies with the m&m’s- you might get a whole dollar’s worth of tastiness. You were spending waaaay more than that in tithing. God was totally ripping you off. God is totally a loss.

    2) Does salvation of your soul have monetary value? When I would steal things, my mom asked me how much my integrity was worth and I’d say the value of whatever I’d stolen. Then she’d make a disappointed face.

    3) WTF? Am I one of your friends that your mom sometimes doesn’t like and never wants to see again? Is it because I got you to start drinking soda? Did you tell her that I drink? My mom still totally likes you.

  6. 1) What about those times they take us bowling? There’s a couple dollars. Plus there were relief society dinners every once in a while that my mom drug me to (remember, “Let’s go out to dinner, Whitney!” then we pull up to Sis. so-and-so’s house.) those are worth a lot. A shit-load, I think. Plus, I was factoring how much tithing I have paid. Not church-members in general. I considered counting blessings that equaled monetary gain, but I decided that can’t be done. Is finding a quarter in the street a blessing from God or Satan? Because I’m just going to spend that money on cloves, porn, and soda in Wyoming. Also, I’m going to go ahead and count the room and board of having a warm place to take shelter in in France/England.

    2) No.

    3) No. Here is how the prayer went: “Please bless that Whitney can have fun with her friends even though she doesn’t like them sometimes and says she never wants to see them again.” And you already know I hate my friends.

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