this jacket represents my individuality and my belief in personal choice

where were you last night?  i think you had the best opportunity to prove yourself to me. as you know, during the jazz game i became obsessed with the idea of my thoughts — specifically my telekinesis to okur — influencing the actions of the game.  realizing that i probably didn’t have esp i decided to rely on you to influence the game for me. and while there was marked improvement in okur’s play, he didn’t even make a three.  i probably would have been a believer for at least a month. n ot only that, i would have related that story to all my friends.  i would have been a missionary for you, the god of obscure miracles.

to be honest, when i realized i needed your help and really forced myself to believe you where capable and/or willing to perform such pointless acts for me, i actually felt like you where there.  i’ve had this feeling a number of times in my life.  even in the most atheistic periods in my life.  the last time this happened i was walking home from work in the winter feeling awful.  i had just experienced a serious panic attack at work related to my fear of death and felt hopeless on the bus-ride home.  nearly home i was overcome by contentedness.  it’s like when i used to not eat any breakfast then the two percocets i took earlier finally kick in.  but it was without pecocet.  then i got home and breaking the waves was on tv.  this is exactly the kind of signs i’m into.

last night i experienced the same rush of calmness (i know rush is possibly an oxymoronic qualifier for calmness, but it’s a complicated feeling) but no coincidence to back it up.

there are a number of ways to explain last night.  (1): it was nothing; i don’t have esp, you don’t exist and my so-called spiritual experience is just some kind of chemical reaction.  (2): you can somehow initiate these chemical reactions and do so every so often to let me know you’re there.  (3): (2) is true, but you didn’t follow up with any coincidences because you’re trying to make me aware of the subtle ways you reveal yourself so i don’t always need dramatic coincidences to kind of believe in you.  (4) maybe you exist but have nothing to do with my chemical reactions, basketball games or coincidences.  or about a billion other explanations.

so how am i supposed to interpret all this?



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3 responses to “this jacket represents my individuality and my belief in personal choice

  1. This one time I was all like “god, please let Keith Merrill sit down and quit telling us graduates about giving his academy award to a terminally ill child” and he kept standing for fifteen minutes.

    Maybe God hates us.

  2. I can’t remember my password or username on blogspot, so here was what I was going to write on one of your movie posts on the hate blog: “I’m really glad that this is what the hate blog has turned into. Really glad. Have you seen Stroszek? It’s my favorite Herzog movie, but I haven’t seen “Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe””

    Looking back, it wasn’t that great of a comment. Certainly not worth the effort of an extra url…oh well.

  3. brian

    well, you should figure out your password and we’ll take over the hate blog (except i think aaron doesn’t like the idea)

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