where were you last night? i think you had the best opportunity to prove yourself to me. as you know, during the jazz game i became obsessed with the idea of my thoughts — specifically my telekinesis to okur — influencing the actions of the game. realizing that i probably didn’t have esp i decided to rely on you to influence the game for me. and while there was marked improvement in okur’s play, he didn’t even make a three. i probably would have been a believer for at least a month. n ot only that, i would have related that story to all my friends. i would have been a missionary for you, the god of obscure miracles.
to be honest, when i realized i needed your help and really forced myself to believe you where capable and/or willing to perform such pointless acts for me, i actually felt like you where there. i’ve had this feeling a number of times in my life. even in the most atheistic periods in my life. the last time this happened i was walking home from work in the winter feeling awful. i had just experienced a serious panic attack at work related to my fear of death and felt hopeless on the bus-ride home. nearly home i was overcome by contentedness. it’s like when i used to not eat any breakfast then the two percocets i took earlier finally kick in. but it was without pecocet. then i got home and breaking the waves was on tv. this is exactly the kind of signs i’m into.
last night i experienced the same rush of calmness (i know rush is possibly an oxymoronic qualifier for calmness, but it’s a complicated feeling) but no coincidence to back it up.
there are a number of ways to explain last night. (1): it was nothing; i don’t have esp, you don’t exist and my so-called spiritual experience is just some kind of chemical reaction. (2): you can somehow initiate these chemical reactions and do so every so often to let me know you’re there. (3): (2) is true, but you didn’t follow up with any coincidences because you’re trying to make me aware of the subtle ways you reveal yourself so i don’t always need dramatic coincidences to kind of believe in you. (4) maybe you exist but have nothing to do with my chemical reactions, basketball games or coincidences. or about a billion other explanations.
so how am i supposed to interpret all this?