if you need me ii

i thought i’d list my signs in these prayers.  my hope was to stack my coincidences next to each other and try and figure out what you’re telling me.  but these signs you’re sending me?  pretty weak.  but then i think, “maybe god’s sending me weird and obscure signs because god know’s i’m a sucker for that stuff.”  i mean, if you want me to believe in you right now you better make me think that we’ve got similar sensibilities.  but that’s stupid.  first it’s so narcissistic it makes me want to delete this entire pray and come back when i feel i little less insecure and a little more witty.  because i am narcissistic and insecure.  (and i’m nervous that admitting it like this precisely because i am narcissistic and insecure.)  so i’m kind of over the signs.  for know.  i’ll probably feel differently by wednesday.  but right now i’m thinking signs are probably self-delusions.  i’m thinking that you’re speaking to me in some coded language because i want to feel like someone pays attention to my life, that someone is interested in me.   does that make me weak?  probably.  but i also don’t know how else to be.

i have a friend who feels like the numbers 1,2 and 3 are signs.  she sees them together in order all the time and she thinks that’s significant.  funny thing is that i think so too.


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