since this is the first blog-prayer some minimal explanations may be necessary. not for you, god, but for anyone else reading this. so if you exist, which right now doesn’t seem super likely, i’m assuming that you are aware of my inner life–my thoughts, anxieties, daydreams, (night)dreams, possibly my unconscious states (if those even exist)–as well as the diverse forces, internal and external, that largely determine my mental states. given that (even though that is far from given), what’s the point of prayer? you know what i’m worrying about; why do i need to vocalize it? it seems redundant. especially for you, god. i mean i think these things then i say these things, it’s like you’re always getting the same story twice. but maybe you’re not big on efficiency. it looks like everything in your universe tends towards entropy. but still, that’s asking a lot to say that you prefer our prayers vocalized. especially if you consider whatever language we use a translation like i have all these feelings and emotions and chemicals and confusion floating around and you want me translate this mess into words to pray?
but i like the idea of prayer. i’m just talking to myself but i feel like i can hold off panic attacks and occasionally beginning to understand small aspects of life. but my problem is sense all my prayers are in my head i always forget what i’ve been praying about and i forget my minimal conclusions about life are. so i’ve decided to blog my prayers for two reasons: (1) it a way to track my, for lack of a better phrase, spiritual journey and (2) i’m positive blogging prayers is as effective, if not more effective, way i’ve getting my prayers to you, god. i want these prayers to be exploratory and provisional. god, i want to through my ideas about you off you because i’m tired of being the one who is tested. it’s time to test what i’ve been taught about you against how the world appears to me. hopefully i’ll find a believable version of you, but i doubt it.